WAIT: Why Am I Talking?
Rabbi Bonnie Koppell
1. WHY LISTENING IS IMPORTANT?
Shema is the foundational prayer in Jewish life. We say it upon awakening, when going to sleep, and at the end of our lives. Shema! Listen! Listen to your own inner voice. Listen to the word of God as communicated through Jewish teachings. Listen to friends and family who are longing for love and human connection
The Baal Shem Tov taught that, “A person is born with a fixed number of words to speak; when they are spoken, the person dies. Imagine that this is true for you. Every word that you speak brings you closer to death. The next time you are about to utter a word, ask yourself whether this word is worth dying for.” Wow! A good reason to consider more listening and less talking.
On Yom Kippur we recite the prayer “Al Cheyt,” a long list of the many sins we regret committing during the year that is drawing to a close. It shouldn’t surprise us that about 1/3 of these infractions have to do with how we use words.
“Things we blurted out.”
“Vulgar speech.”
“Negative speech.”
“Telling people what others said about them.”
If we could only learn to listen more deeply, listen in ways that foster understanding, we would be in a much better place to create healing, to resolve conflict, in our personal relationships and in our troubled world. To be heard and understood is a deep human need. “To listen to another person,” write Rabbi Elie Spitz, “is to bring comfort through connection. . . In listening to a soul in pain, sometimes all we can offer is mindful listening. And in that act of listening, we validate that the soul is worthy of time and attention, that the burdens that cause pain are real and heavy, and that good continues to exist in a broken world.”
We don’t need to agree. We may not even need to respond. We just need to offer our full attention.
The only way to learn is “ssshhh!”- to stop talking and start listening. The 11th century sage ibn Gabirol taught that in seeking wisdom there are 5 steps. The first is silence, the second is listening. After that, he included remembering, practicing and teaching others.
Do you want to be wise? The next time you are about to speak, remind yourself to “WAIT.” Just WAIT. WAIT is a vital acronym to know and remember. It stands for, “Why Am I Talking?” Just listen.
2. WHAT DOES GOOD LISTENING LOOK LIKE?
We’re talking about listening. Kind of ironic. Yet, Rosh HaShanah is very much dedicated to renewing our relationships, and reminding ourselves of HOW to be good listeners will go a long way towards enhancing those relationships in the year ahead.
What does good listening look like? Eye contact. Nodding and leaning forward. Not looking at our watch or our phone or the door, as if we can’t wait to escape. Not interrupting. Visualizing what is being said rather than focusing on how we intend to respond. Being attentive to non-verbal clues and getting curious about what is the message behind the words. Certainly not countering with our own story, not hijacking the conversation to focus attention on ourselves.
Not hijacking the conversation- what I lovingly call the autobiographical response. “Oh, let me tell you about my experience that was just like that.” Or, “My friend had the exact same thing happen to her.” Just stop talking and listen.
“Enough about me. What do you think about me?”
Let’s focus on interrupting for a moment. Turns out that interrupting is a prominent way of speaking in the Jewish community. Is interrupting a sign of a conversational boor, or an excited participant? Turns out that the answer is not so simple. Linguist Deborah Tannen calls, “high involvement cooperative overlapping, in other words, interrupting, is a characteristic of Jewish conversational style. It actually is, she says, “a way of showing interest and appreciation.
I grew up in a family where if you don’t interrupt you won’t be heard. When I moved to Phoenix, it was a challenge to accommodate to a more polite way of speaking. I was ultimately moved by the words of Elizabeth Gilbert- “No matter how creatively I try to look at my habit of interrupting, I can’t find another way to see it than this: “I believe that what I am saying is more important than what you are saying.” And I can’t find another way to see that than: “I believe that I am more important than you.” I think she may be right.
It is helpful to stop and paraphrase to check in with the person we are talking to, to make sure we understand and thus that our friend feels understood. “Let me make sure I understand.” Don’t worry if you’ve got it wrong. The person you are speaking with will happily correct you. When you think you know the answer, ask a question.
Good listening includes not offering advice unless someone indicates that they are open to it. It’s incredibly helpful to just ask. “Are you looking for advice?” Sometimes the answer is “no,” I just want you to listen.
Good listening means accepting feelings and not dismissing them with words of consolation. “Everything will be okay.” “Don’t feel that way.”
It means remembering that our goal is comprehension, not judgment.
I keep these beautiful words on my desk at home. They were sent to me by a friend and I treasure the meaning behind them- “Friendship is the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words but pouring all right out just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of comfort, blow the rest away.”
3. TO WHOM SHOULD I LISTEN?
Eliyahu haNavi. Elijah the Prophet. We welcome him into our homes each week as we say Havdalah, and we open the door to him at our Passover seder. The story of the "still small voice" is found in 1 Kings 19:11-13 in the Bible. It involves the prophet Elijah, who, after fleeing from Queen Jezebel's threats, finds himself in a state of despair. Seeking God's guidance, Elijah retreats to Mount Horeb (Sinai).
God instructs Elijah to stand on the mountain . First, a powerful wind tears through the mountains, but God is not in the wind. Then, an earthquake shakes the ground, but God is not in the earthquake. After the earthquake, a fire blazes, but God is not in the fire either. Finally, there is a gentle whisper, a "still small voice." It is in this quiet sound that Elijah hears God speaking to him, providing him with comfort and direction.
This story emphasizes that God's presence and guidance are often found in stillness and quietness, rather than in grand, dramatic events. The prophet reminds us, that, when all is said and done, sometimes we must listen to our own inner voice and ignore the public noise vying for our attention.
Charlotte Bronte wrote in Jane Eyre that “If all the world hated you and believed you wicked, while your own conscience approved you, and absolved you from guilt, you would not be without friends." In a world of media overwhelm, it is a huge challenge to know to whom we should listen. Ultimately, we need to be open to a variety of sources and then make our own informed decisions about what we believe. We need to listen to our own moral conscience and we need to listen to others. Life is complicated.
We face a challenge in modern life- when to speak up and when to remain silent. How do we know what risks are powerfully important, and when to just let it go. Actually, this is true both in our public lives and in our private lives. Learning to let it go is a skill we can put to good use in many arenas.
We need to listen with open hearts, we need to be open to feedback, AND, we need to live lives that reflect our own values and our own choices, delving into the wisdom of our tradition for guidance.
“Listen,” the prophet Isaiah taught, (55:3), and your soul will live. “Shimu u’tchee nafshotechem.” In the year ahead, may our ears and our hearts be open to ourselves and others, and may our souls thrive and flourish with our listening.
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